What could be a passion? Where do I find such a thing? My feelings always seem fleeting from one thing to the next, the only thing enduring is the sureness that I will find something new soon. But here we are! I say. Might as well make peace with it! But does it have to be that way? Is it that I have not found the “thing” yet? Or (more likely I imagine) it is that I need to spend the time and effort to truly get good at one of these things so that I can begin to derive the satisfaction from it that I crave. To do something well is a gift. To be skilled in something is a noble pursuit. 

I also think of what talent could be. It seems that there is a desire to be good at something right away. To have the imagined scenario of picking up drumsticks at a party and sounding like John bonham to the admiration of everyone there. But where is the lasting satisfaction in that? And how could the motivation to get the admiration and praise of those around you be even remotely strong enough to actually get good at something? At Least for myself that has never been the case. I’m not sure I have ever found it, but I suspect that the motivation must come from a sincere desire to create or gain expertise. This desire could come from fulfilling a community need such as providing food, or from wanting an outlet of expression that cannot be found anywhere else. I’m sure there are many other places, but I know that the desire to get good at something to feed the ego is a hollow one stemming from deeper feelings of inadequacy.

I say to myself “I am enough” but how do I feel it?

The things I seek are clouded by my ego. It’s hard to discern values when your actions are dictated by what others might find praiseworthy or “cool” in order for you to fit in. When I am so taken by this fear then how can I possibly make actions based on what I really care about and want?

To live in fear is to let life happen to you.

But how can one leave this life of fear? I’m still figuring this out. It takes some bravery, some inner soul searching, and a desire to squeeze what I can out of this life. 

Identification, I’m learning, is the first step. I have to notice when my actions are based on the fear response, notice when I feel the tightening of my chest and the desire to curl up. It’s a hard first step when your habits steer you in the opposite direction. 

But that’s what has to be done. The easy path (in the moment) is to just go with what has been “working” so far. But I can look at the long term scale and see that this path only causes greater problems. While facing this inner fear is uncomfortable now, it will pay rich dividends later. Now how do I remind myself of this? And not only remind myself, but know it when I need to most?

There are moments of weakness when it’s hardest to turn away from the fear. To face it and overcome it. I feel as if these are the most important moments to put in this work of change. If I can face the fear in these weak moments and choose not to give in, I will have made important progress. 

But it’s not all linear. Some days I can take on the world. Other days I can scarcely leave the house. The waves of this must be accepted. And only through forgiving myself can I gather the courage to still do what’s necessary. And through this forgiveness I will make the days of succumbing to the fear fewer and further between. I don’t think they will ever completely go away. I know enough to know that life will throw many unexpected challenges at me. But what I seek is the choice. To notice when I would act habitually and to have the experience to know how my choices will turn out. Then I will have the agency to not let this life wash over me like the tide, but to swim in it and choose my own direction.