I’m in a period in my life right now where a lot has happened, and I have had to re-learn some lessons I thought I had already mastered.

They were some pretty big ones, too. I lost myself in a relationship that asked for too much of me, I cut off a friend I should have just spoken too, And I compromised on my values.

In the lucidity of this moment I find myself frustrated that I am in this position again, I was so sure three years ago that I would never make these mistakes again, but here I am.

I guess it was hard to tell what was happening in the moment. I was in love, and I wanted to follow that road to the end, but that love asked me to give up myself in order to have it. From where I’m sitting now, that’s a pretty bad trade, but at the time it seemed like a good idea. “she’s different” I told myself. “She wants what’s best for me”.

My amazing hindsight goggles can see all the issues with the relationship, where I buckled, where I compromised on my values and boundaries, but I have to make this new perspective useful. I have to learn these lessons, so I don’t repeat the same mistakes again and wake up three years from now in the same spot.

I see a path forward, and it’s uncomfortable, but that’s the point. Many of my issues can be boiled down to an inability to sit with discomfort. I would lie to romantic prospects about what I want and who I am in fear that if I were honest then they would not want to be with me. I would let people cross my boundaries and convince me to do things I did not believe in because I didn’t want to upset them. I’m finally owning up to that and building my capacity to endure uncomfortable things. It took me a long time to recognize this need to endure the uncomfortable, but now that I’m here, I am looking for any and all opportunities in my life to do so.

Recently I tried to make amends with the friend that I had cut off over a year ago, knowing that when I saw her it would be an extremely uncomfortable experience reckoning with the hurt that I caused. But I did it anyway, and it was worth it.

There’s little moments to practice too, like when I was honest to my boss when it was more advantageous to lie about being sicker than I was. Or when I voiced my boundaries to my roommate over giving hugs. A few months ago I would not have done either of these things, but I am committed to sitting with the uncomfortable feelings because I am tired of ending up where I am now, picking up the pieces of my life after another relationship. I am committed to learning these lessons so that I can continue to be myself.